Alone Together

IMG_0205.JPG

They are everywhere.  They live in our neighborhoods and work in our office buildings.  They exercise at our gyms, shop at our stores and they stand behind us in line at the post office.  They sleep in our beds, they sleep on our streets.  They are beautiful, exquisite, the most gorgeous you've ever seen.  They are plain and they blend in.  They have millions, they have enough, they have nothing.  They are young and able, they are old and feeble.  They have achieved and accomplished, they are just stumbling on their journey.  Who are they? What are they?  They are people that feel sad and alone.  

Somewhere, deep down when I felt like the universe was telling me over and over for what felt like a few years I should write a blog, I knew talking about feeling alone was, ironically, going to be a big part of what would connect me to you.  The internet is a giant superhighway of images, information and stimulation that we access and absorb everyday.  My hope is that my minuscule corner I take up of it is a safe and uplifting place for you.  I don't want to be one more person that posts cool pictures but you assume I can't relate to you.  If I had the power to eliminate the phrase "I feel sad and so alone" from the human language I would.  If I could also punch the people that say " But you don't look depressed..." "Probably just need more sleep.  Or exercise." "You need to stop being sad and think positive." "Drink more water." I freaking would, fam.

I am guilty of looking at people and assuming that there is no reason they would feel alone.  They're FLAWLESS. Prominent career.  Perfect relationship.  He PROPOSED? They're buying a HOUSE? They make HOW MUCH?  They're in Paris AGAIN?  That somehow beauty, wealth, and success makes you immune to depression, insecurity or feeling like no one knows how you feel.  I apologize.  I may have never said it to you but I've thought that. 

But would you look at me and think "Yep, that girl has DEFINITELY been sooooo sad, sad enough to the point she called a crisis hotline because she was feeling THAT low for THAT long."  Maybe, maybe not. So on the topic of being transparent and feeling alone:  It's easier for me to fly to a foreign country by myself than it is to attend a dinner party with 10 people #socialanxiety.  I am 29 years old and I have never had a functional, happy relationship *fears forever being alone.  I only have maybe 5 people I can call good friends.  I used to hate every single thing about the way I looked (this contributed a lot to my introversion).  I cry when I think about my parent's splitting up.  I have felt that life, my life, would just be easier and better to not be around anymore.  I have wanted to die.  I am human. I am flawed.  But these things are just as much apart of me as all the strengths and positives.  I'm still figuring it out. WE'RE ALL FIGURING IT OUT.

The notion of social media only being the "highlight reel" of people's lives has probably been beaten into your head already so I won't add to it.  You know it already.  That we, you and I, curate what we want or don't want to portray ourselves to seem or not seem like.  Maybe what we upload is what really did happen or looked like, but we also leave out the things about us or that we go through that are just as integral to who we are and our lives as the things that make it to our feeds.

Y tho?  Because you don't think people want to know you are human, too?  Because it comes across as weak or flawed to struggle?  Because that's not what people want to see?  This may sound harsh but...Dude, F*CK THE PEOPLE.  If they're really your people wouldn't you want them to know you need them?  Or that you know what they're going through or at least would be there for them. If they're not your people, that's totally ok.  Being by myself is not what makes me feel alone.  Being surrounded by people that I feel like don't understand me or care to understand me is what makes me feel alone.  Be yourself even the parts of you that are hard to show and the real ones will reveal themselves.   How can people come to our side if they do not know we are down?  I used to think strength only came from doing everything yourself.  But I've found solace in a few people that I know can relate to me and I only found that out by opening up.

I try to protect my energy and what and who I allow in my world.  Every time I click follow or subscribe  it's something or someone that adds to my life.  If it or they ever come to a point where they no longer do that, then they're gone.  Same goes for in our real lives, people can add to or alleviate our feeling alone. 4 quarters or 100 pennies?   Little things, little conscious decisions I make everyday concerning my wellbeing, add the freak up.   I truly believe that has been a massive contributor to managing my depression.  You can still be positive without being bubbly 24/7.  Haha or in my case, 0/7.  I am just not a bubbly person but still try to contribute positivity in my own way.  You are allowed to feel down or have a bad day and still be making positive strides in your life.  I may have had a bad day, week, month or year even years (my twenties have kicked my ass tbh), I can still have a good life.

Life, I'm here for it.  Couldn't always say that. And guess what.  I'm here for you, too.