How To Be Completely Miserable


If you came to this post from my Instagram then you got the context of how this mantra of sorts came about. Several years have passed since I first put it together but the principles are all still the same with a few more additions. 

So here, in no particular order is How To Be Completely Miserable.

  • Complain. As much as you can and to as many people as you can. But whatever you do, DO NOT DO ANYTHING to resolve whatever the complaint is about.
  • Take everryyyyything personal
  • Always assume. Don't bother trying to get any more information than what you can see in front of you. It's easier and better to just assume that way you can stew in your misery without being bothered.
  • Dislike certain people. Because other people like them. Because they are happy. Succeeding. Or that they seem like their life is perfect.  
  • Compare, compare, compare.  To get the most misery out of your comparison make sure you always compare your worst to someone's best. The beginning of your journey to someone's high point. That'll really make you feel low.
  • Focus on numbers. It's all about quantity not quality in the realm of misery. Age. Weight. Salary. Followers. Likes. Friends. Relationships. Anything you can count in comparison to another human being. How else are you going to know if you're ahead or behind?
  • Beat yourself up. Negative talk is the best talk. Say things to yourself you would NEVER say to another person. Save the harshest criticism for yourself.
  • Overlook what you like about your body and appearance and focus on your weird knees, frizzy hair, patchy skin, and stretch marks. 
  • Punish yourself and your body by starving it, overfeeding it, not exercising, over-exercising, not sleeping, not balancing your nutrition.  You feel disgusting because you ARE disgusting.
  • Ignore your mental health. It's not that big a deal. A trained professional can't help you. It won't work. There are stigmas for a reason.
  • Sell yourself short. Quit before you start. Outweigh the pros with the realistic con's.  Give up when hurdles come.
  • Endlessly try to people please.  Seek validation rather than connection. Seek fulfillment from the praises and attention from other people you admire. And if they don't give it to you, begin to feel like something is wrong with you. 
  • Don't stand up for yourself if someone is in any way threatening any aspect of your wellbeing. Because if you do speak up, surely you are being mean or that person that is mistreating you might even not like you anymore. And making sure others like you takes precedence over you liking you.
  • Make excuses not goals. Never set goals. Because then you'll have to keep yourself accountable and actually, like.....achieve stuff.
  • Worry. Oh, yes, WORR-Y, my dude!. Let it consume your thoughts and use all of your precious energy. Stress about things you have absolutely have no control over and you are on your way to complete misery.  Your parents' divorce, someone you're interested in that won't text you back, how other people view you. Or a personal favorite: things that haven't even happened yet or may never even happen. Depressiontown USA here. you. come.
  • Forget all compliments and encouragement.  Only remember the few mean or simply ridiculous things people have said to you. Whether from friends, family, or strangers. Replay that shit over and over when you're trying to fall asleep or sitting in traffic.
  • Hold it all in.  Bottle it up. Stuff it down. Sweep it under. Lock people out.
  • Settle. Unhappy relationships. Sucky jobs. The way you look. Just feel stuck. Stay stuck.  Because staying stuck = staying miserable!
  • Last but not least, never, ever, ever believe that your life can change. Believe that you do not have the power or the means to change your circumstances or even your attitude about them. Believe that this is just who you are. How things are. IT. IS. WHAT. IT. IS.  Happiness is not ever going be you.  Love will skip you.  Passion is what other people find. You're too old. You missed your chance. Can't start over.

Ok, deep breath.  When I put it that way and write it all out and read it and ask you if you do any of these things it's jarring, isn't it?  I would only ever speak about something that I had/have personal experience with.  So this sad and revealing list are things I used to do and some of them I still am working on.    I am in no way trying to minimize the difficulty of stopping any of these habits or ways of thinking that you may find yourself relating to.  Trust me, some have taken me years of being truly miserable and unhappy to make the efforts to do something about it.  I wrote this satirical but sincere reverse psychology type guide to show you a list of small changes to be happy that can make a big difference.  (Hopefully this wasn't that awful corpo interview 2.0 and none of you got that I was joking but being serious but joking?)

Change is hard. Understatement of....ever. Which is why I try to work on these things a little at a time and try to be forgiving of myself when I am tempted to do them again. This list is uncomfortable to read, believe me. But that uncomfortable recognition is what led me to feel like enough is enough. I'm done feeling this way. I want and deserve to be happy.  I've found happiness to be less of a state we arrive at but a bunch of choices we make every single freaking day.  Those car dudes didn't hire me but that's ok. I hired me. No one else can do the job of making yourself happy but you. Not me, not Hermione, YOU!

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